Disclaimer: This post is not meant to criticize monogamy or suggest that infidelity is acceptable. If you have been hurt by a partner’s betrayal, your pain is real and valid. Rather than justifying dishonesty or broken trust, this post aims to explore the concept of fidelity through the lens of relationship orientation. Some people struggle with monogamy not because they lack love, commitment, or morality, but because their relationship needs may not align with traditional monogamous structures. This is not to diminish the importance of honesty and integrity in relationships—trust and communication are essential in all relationship styles, whether monogamous or non-monogamous.
In monogamous relationships, fidelity usually means being emotionally and physically committed to one person, with society telling us that true love can only exist with this kind of exclusivity. This idea is seen as the foundation of monogamy and outside connections may be perceived as a moral failing. However, for many, struggling with fidelity isn’t about lacking morals or not caring about their partner. Instead, it may stem from having a non-monogamous orientation that doesn’t fit the traditional monogamous model. In a world where monogamy is the norm, it’s easy to feel shame or guilt. But for some, being non-monogamous is simply a natural part of who they are.
The Pressure of Monogamy
Monogamy is deeply rooted in many cultures and often seen as the ideal relationship model. While it works for some, it doesn’t fit everyone. Some people naturally feel drawn to connect with more than one person, while still valuing their current partner. This doesn’t mean they lack commitment—it’s just a different way of experiencing connection. People with a non-monogamous orientation can be deeply bonded to their partner but still want to explore relationships outside traditional monogamy, creating inner conflict when their desires don’t align with societal expectations.
Non-Monogamous Desires Are More Common Than You Think
Research shows that many people are drawn to non-monogamous arrangements, even if they don’t act on or talk about it openly. Non-monogamy can look like polyamory (multiple romantic relationships with consent), open relationships (sexual or romantic connections outside a primary relationship), swinging (consensual sexual activities with others), and other ethically structured agreements. But when non-monogamous desires are pursued without honesty, mutual consent, and clear agreements, they can lead to infidelity and betrayal. Ethical non-monogamy is built on open communication and trust, with the understanding that love and intimacy can be shared with multiple people.
The Emotional Impact of Struggling with Fidelity
Trying to fit a non-monogamous person into a monogamous relationship model can be challenging. Suppressing their natural desires leads to frustration, guilt, and self-blame, damaging both their self-esteem and the relationship. They may feel like a “bad person” for wanting more intimacy, creating a cycle of guilt that increases stress and confusion. Their partner may also feel hurt, betrayed, or confused, interpreting these desires as a lack of love or commitment.
Ethical Non-Monogamy Isn’t About Escaping Commitment
Many people in ENM relationships are deeply committed, often because of open communication, trust, and mutual respect. They may see connections with multiple people as a way to enrich their lives, not replace their current relationship. Fidelity struggles in monogamy can often be reframed as a matter of relationship orientation. Just because someone struggles to remain faithful in a monogamous structure doesn’t mean they’re incapable of love or commitment—it might just mean their relationship needs don’t fit the traditional mold.
What to Do If You Struggle with Fidelity
If you’re struggling with fidelity, take some time to reflect on your relationship needs and desires. Here are a few steps to consider:
Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Shame: Recognizing that your desires may lean toward non-monogamy can be difficult, especially in a society that often stigmatizes such inclinations. It's important to be gentle with yourself and acknowledge your feelings as valid rather than shameful.
Have an Open Conversation with Your Partner: If you're in a monogamous relationship, consider having an honest discussion with your partner. Share your thoughts and feelings and listen to their perspective as well. Open dialogue is essential for understanding each other’s needs.
Consider Exploring ENM Together: If both partners are open to it, exploring ethical non-monogamy in some form can help you align your relationship style with your natural desires. This could be an open relationship, polyamory, or other consensually non-monogamous structure.
Seek Support: Therapy, especially with a professional familiar with non-monogamous dynamics, can help individuals and couples navigate the emotional complexities of fidelity struggles. Therapy can help clarify your desires, understand your relationship orientation, and develop strategies for communication and boundary-setting.
Remember, You’re Not "Bad": Struggling with fidelity in monogamous relationships doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s likely a reflection of your relationship orientation, not a moral failure.
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Lauren Cordell, PLPC
@rooted_in_lalaland
Sharing love doesn’t mean having less—it means creating more,
like a fire that grows stronger as it spreads.
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