The HALO Practice: Remembering Yourself in the Room

One of the things I've noticed over the years, both in my own life and in my work as a therapist, is how easy it can be to become highly attuned to everyone else while losing touch with yourself.

Sometimes that's because caring for others is literally the point of our career or role. Therapists, nurses, teachers, parents, and caregivers spend a lot of time paying attention to what other people need. But I think for many people, this pattern started long before it became a profession.

Maybe you grew up in a home where paying attention to other people was important. You learned to read the room. You learned to notice changes in mood, energy, tone of voice, or tension. You became good at anticipating what others might need or what might happen next. For some people, that developed because of anxiety, unpredictability, conflict, trauma, or parentification. For others, it was simply the culture of the family.

These adaptations often make sense. The challenge is that over time we can become so focused on what is happening around us that we lose touch with what is happening within us. We know when someone else is upset, frustrated, anxious, or needing support. We know when the energy in a room shifts. We notice subtle changes in facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language. But we don't always notice that we're hungry, exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, holding our breath, or needing support ourselves.

This is one of the reasons I developed the HALO Practice.

The Halo Practice

The HALO Practice is a simple dual-awareness practice (inspired by the concept of dual awareness in EMDR therapy) that helps us move our attention between ourselves, another person, and the space between us. I visualize it as a halo of orbiting awareness. Awareness moves from self, to other, to the relationship and external space, and then back again. The goal is not to stay hyper-focused on any one part of the orbit. The goal is to keep moving at a steady, rhythmic pace.

I think many of us have been taught, either directly or indirectly, that we have to choose. Pay attention to yourself or pay attention to other people. Focus inward or focus outward. But healthy relationships require both:

• Can I notice you and still notice me?

• Can I stay connected to myself while staying connected to you?

• Can I care about your experience without losing awareness of my own?

For some people, the challenge is that they become so focused on other people that they lose touch with themselves. They know what everyone else needs but struggle to identify what they need. For others, the challenge can be the opposite. They become so focused on their own internal experience that they lose connection with the people around them. They may become consumed by anxiety, anger, thoughts, or physical sensations and have difficulty staying present in the relationship and thinking about the consequences of their actions to the others in the room.

The HALO Practice isn't about deciding which one is right. It's about developing the ability to move between both.

What I like about the image of a halo is that it naturally comes back around. If your attention moves toward the other person, it will eventually return to you. If your attention is focused on yourself, it can eventually widen back toward the other person. You don't have to abandon yourself to care about someone else, and you don't have to abandon someone else to care about yourself.

One of the things I often say in therapy is that awareness creates choice. We can't respond to information we don't have.

If I notice that I'm holding my breath, I can take a breath.

If I notice that my shoulders are tense, I can move.

If I notice that I'm overwhelmed, I can slow down.

If I notice that I need support, I can ask for it.

If I notice that I'm staying quiet when something matters to me, I can choose to speak up.

This is one of the reasons I think the HALO Practice can be helpful for almost anyone, not just therapists. Many of us have developed habits of attention that made sense in earlier environments. HALO simply gives us an opportunity to become more aware of where our attention goes and to practice moving it with a little more intention.

I encourage people to start small. This is a micro-practice. There is no "perfect" way to do it.

What would happen if you noticed yourself just 5% more today?

Not 100%. Not perfectly. Just 5%.

Maybe you notice your breathing. Maybe you notice your posture. Maybe you notice that you're thirsty.

Maybe you notice that you have an opinion, a preference, a boundary, or a need that hasn't been getting much attention.

That small increase in awareness may seem insignificant, but awareness often creates new possibilities. Over time, those small moments of noticing can shape the way we relate to ourselves and the people around us.

A Few Ideas for Different Nervous System States

If you notice yourself feeling anxious, activated, rushed, or overwhelmed, try gently bringing awareness to your feet on the floor, pressing the palms of your hands together, lengthening your exhale, or looking around the room and noticing a few things that feel neutral or pleasant.

If you notice yourself feeling disconnected, numb, shut down, or foggy, try standing up, stretching, shifting positions, moving the conversatoin outside in nature, taking a sip of something cold, or orienting to what you can see, hear, and feel around you.

If you notice yourself feeling grounded and present, take a moment to notice that too. Many of us are quick to notice distress and miss moments of safety, connection, or ease. Sometimes the practice is simply allowing yourself to stay with those experiences a little longer.

The next time you're with someone, experiment with the HALO Practice. Notice them. Notice yourself. Notice the space between you. Then let your awareness keep moving.

Not perfectly. Just intentionally.

After all, it's a halo. The orbit will come back around.

A Note for Therapists

If you're a therapist reading this, the HALO Practice is something I teach in greater depth in my trainings and consultation groups. We explore how dual awareness, nervous system states, somatic tracking, and therapist self-awareness can support both clinical presence and case conceptualization.

While this article focuses on applying HALO in everyday life and relationships, there are additional clinical applications that can support therapists in remaining connected to themselves, their clients, and the therapeutic relationship.

You can learn more about upcoming trainings, consultation opportunities, and resources here:

Linktr.ee/thetherapygarden